Breakups are tough. We all know this. Sadly, none of us can see into our possible futures (that’s if we have more than one possible future and if foresight is really a good thing) to know if it’s the right decision or not. You have to go with your gut, but it’s not a decision to be made lightly. Once it’s made though, it can become hard to remember the reasons you broke up, especially with all the feels still flowing. Look, in some cases, going back works… for the majority of the world, it doesn’t. So, on that bummer of a note (sorry!) here are 5 reasons not to go there again with your ex…

1. Trust was an issue

Once trust is broken, it’s pretty damn hard to fix. If you never managed to build it in the first place, a lot has to change the second time round to get it going. Trust is a huge deal breaker and relationships definitely need them as a foundation to stand the test of time. In a relationship, you open up to your partner in ways that you may never have with anyone else. If you can’t trust them with your heart, soul or body, it’s not the healthiest of environments to be in. Period.

Then, there’s the question of if they betrayed your trust somehow. There’s definitely a scale in terms of minor discretions and earth shattering, catastrophic no-nos! Everyone should know their own limits, but if you found yourself constantly adjusting your idea of what a betrayal of trust is to the point of being unhappy? Better not to go there again with your ex!

2. You think it’s a lesser evil than dating

Dating is one of the most challenging things ever, especially in our modern times. It’s constantly changing. From one day to the next, you may never know where you stand. It can be wonderful but when it’s not, it’s the worst. The problem is you don’t know how long it’ll be wonderful for. You sure as hell don’t know how long the awful periods will last either. It can get to the stage when you say to yourself; ‘ok, my ex wasn’t the best, but dating is absolute trash right now so…’

I cannot stress this enough. Never, EVER settle. Yes, dating is hard, but if you broke up with your ex because it wasn’t right for you, why would you ever go back to that?! You can take a break from dating anytime. You can focus on yourself. You can easily start to feel trapped in a relationship but with dating, you can dip in and out as often as you please. The struggle is real, but you gotta believe it will produce the goods. Patience, young sensei!

3. You’ve started excusing their past problematic behaviour

Wisdom of the day? Your feelings are valid. If something your ex did hurt your feelings and they didn’t take that on board, especially if it was a common occurrence, then you were right to break it off. It can be difficult when you’ve first gotten out of a relationship. It takes time to adjust to not being part of a couple anymore. Even if you weren’t living together, they became a part of how you identified yourself. So, at first you might think you can’t be without them, despite the past. That’s when the thoughts creep in… and the feels (can’t forget those pesky feels!)

You start to tell yourself that maybe their behaviour wasn’t that bad. Maybe you overreacted a few times. I mean, if other people don’t mind that sort of behaviour, why should you? Maybe you can let it go… This is where you’re in dangerous territory. There’s compromise and then there’s ignoring your feelings because you don’t want to be alone. Your. Feelings. Are. Valid. They’re trying to tell you something. Listen!

4. Your friends and family admitted they didn’t like them

Is there anything worse than when your friend breaks up with their partner and you all get honest about how you hated them, then they get back together?! You just know your friend will report all that was said and then it’ll be super awkward, either until they break up again or forever. Sure, no one wants to tell a friend or family member that they hate their partner. It’s awkward! (Also, side note, never just offer up that info, unless you’re worried that your friend or family member is in actual danger!) However, sometimes, it just has to be done.

From the other perspective, it’s hard to hear that your nearest and dearest can’t stand your partner. When it’s one or two people, it’s not the end of the world. We can’t all get along with everyone after all. However, if everyone who met your ex beau (friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances, you name it) hated them? They can’t all be wrong now, can they?

5. You’re feeling lonely or bored

Loneliness and boredom. Two of the number one causes behind mistakes (and alcohol. Obviously.) Word of advice? Don’t make rash decisions based on either. Your bar can be set pretty low in either or both of those mindsets. How many times have you texted (or received a text) from an ex and the next day been like ‘What have I done?!’ or ‘What were they thinking?!’ You have to remember that boredom and loneliness pass. When they do, think about where you’d want to be and possibly who you’d want to be there with then.

Also, think of it from your ex’s point of view. No one wants to be the back-up plan because you had nothing/no one else. It’s especially cruel if you’ve ended things and you keep coming back. A break-up is a break-up for a reason. Keep it that way, people, especially if you’re unsure! There are other ways to entertain yourself and there are other people to hang with if you’re lonely. Try remembering all the reasons you broke up, that’s always a wakeup call if ever there was one…

So, there it is! 5 reasons not to go there again with your ex. Of course, there are a few (it’s a very short list) extenuating circumstances where going back is the right choice, but weigh up your options. You have to be selfish here. Always ask, is it right for you? Don’t go back to please someone else and then feel miserable at the expensive of their happiness. A happy relationship requires all parties to be satisfied, you should very much be a valued party 🙂

By Jordan Enaboifo

@jordan_enaboifo