If you’ve used dating apps for any length of time, you’ve probably noticed a few things. After you’ve swiped a bit, you might notice that your recommendations start to look similar. For example, on Tinder, if you’ve been swiping for redheads, they’ll show you more redheads. Maybe you’ve even noticed you’re shown more of a certain race. Some dating apps actually have ethnicity filters. As a black woman, race and dating is something I’ve discussed with friends and dates. Statistically, black women and Asian men are the least swiped groups on dating apps, so talking about race is an important part of dating. Having to consider if someone is dating you just for your race or what it means if they only date people of your race. Exhausting. In 2018, 7% of couples in England and Wales were interracial. So, while we’re having a global discussion on race, here are 6 interracial dating do’s and don’ts you should know…

• DO be open to having discussions about race

An integral part of interracial dating is being able to talk about race. While dating someone who has a different background and experiences to you shouldn’t be all your relationship is about, it does need to be acknowledged. It’s great that you see each other as more than just race, but if you claim to be ‘colour blind’, that is problematic in and of itself. By not taking note of the experiences they face in the world due to race, you’re ignoring a big part of their life and not being there to offer support. So, talk about it.

• DON’T be someone’s secret

I read an article recently written by a black female journalist of her experiences of dating only white men and how BLM has changed that. She mentioned a story where she found out she was one of 3 girlfriends the guy had and how the white girlfriend was the one he acknowledged publicly. Stories like this are not uncommon with interracial dating. People come up with all sorts of reasons why they can’t introduce the person to friends and family. Some outright say that their friends and family are racist. This may be true, but that is no reason to be someone’s secret. They should stand with you, not hide you.

• DO address any unhealthy assumptions you may have

If you are dating someone of a different race, you may find that you have some unhealthy assumptions about them due to racial stereotyping. This can be anything from assuming all black women are loud, or that all people from South Asia only eat curry. Not only is it a huge generalisation (everyone has their own identity) it’s also offensive. If you’re interracial dating, this something you should address and expect to be called out on. If you are called out on it, listen and learn.

• DON’T date someone who fetishes your race

I cannot tell you the number of messages I’ve gotten on dating apps or even just in general life that have been fetishizing my race. From a guy telling me he’s ‘never gone black before’ to a guy I’m talking to at party (pre-lockdown) blurting out that he’s into black girls. I’ve had friends experience the same thing, like guys telling them they’ve ‘always wanted to go Asian’. These aren’t limited to just men saying them, women can be guilty too. If someone only wants to date/ sleep with you so they can tick some fantasy of their list or make some sort of ‘rebellious’ statement to their family, tell them to jog on. You’re worth more than that!

• DO speak up if people close to you make racist comments

With interracial dating, some of your nearest and dearest may have some unsavoury comments. Whether its grandparents saying that they’ll have caramel grandkids. Or friends asking if certain racial stereotypes in the bedroom are true. It’s up to you to call that behaviour out. They’re your friends and family, if they’re disrespecting your partner, have their back. I’d hope they’d do the same for you to.

• DON’T think that you have a free pass to be racist in the bedroom

There are many instances, especially with women of colour, where all respect goes out the window once interracial dating moves to the bedroom. It’s not a free for all in there. It’s completely different if you and your partner have discussed it first and they’ve consented. You can’t just come out with racial slurs in the heat of the moment and think it’s ok.

So, there you have it! 6 interracial dating do’s and don’ts you should know. It’s also important to note if you are someone who only dates people of a specific race. Recognise this and why it might be. It could be a coincidence, but racial fetishization is also very real. Likewise, if you’ve only been dating your own race, you may have a racial bias you’re unaware of. There was a great documentary on Channel 4 a few years back called ‘Is Love Racist?’ Highly recommend it!