“Oh, the weather outside is frightful, and the fire in your loins feels spiteful, but since we’ve no place to go, let’s get cuffed, let’s get cuffed, let’s get cuffed!” Yeah… not quite the original, but isn’t Christmas the time of remixing originals to try and get that number one spot?! Speaking of number one. Cuffing season is in session once again. Time to find that one person who you’re going to lock it down with over Winter. Someone you’re ready to ditch once it’s officially ‘suns out, buns out’ time. But wait?! Maybe that’s not the case anymore. Maybe cold weather is not enough for us to feel like we need a temporary mate. Could it really be? Is… is cuffing season over?! Let’s investigate…

Exhibit A: We’re exhausted by the end of the year

I don’t know about you, but by the end of the year I’m pretty much over it all. Bring on my Christmas break and stretchy leggings, so I can eat and drink to my heart’s content. Winter is when I make like a bear and hibernate. If I didn’t find someone the rest of the year, then by Winter I’ve entered zero f***s mode and I don’t care to search anymore. Finding a cuffing mate requires searching. I’m tired. Dating is stress, man. I want to end the year stress free and it seems I’m not alone in that thought.

After speaking with my single pals, they’re over it too. The people you’ve been speaking to, dating, seeing… whatever don’t suddenly evolve as soon as it starts getting dark every day at 4pm. Why would they?! They’re tired too. Plus, if you start seeing someone now, there’s the Christmas debacle. Do you get them a gift?! Do you keep going? What if you meet someone else on your Christmas or New Year’s Eve trips?! Effort, effort, effort!

Sure, it’s nice to cuddle, but if that person didn’t appear over the rest of the year, it’s so easy to say, “Sod it. There’s always next year”, right?! Besides, you want reliable? Your friends are here, hello! Hang with them. Why not celebrate the people you already have, instead of rushing to find something temporary? Especially when you’re not really that into it. There’re always other alternatives in the meantime after all… 😉

Exhibit B: Dick Appointments

Thanks to a very wise, hilarious (and handsome) gentleman who goes by the of Hasan Minhaj (if you aren’t watching his Netflix show ‘Patriot Act’ out on Sundays, are you even living?!) Now, I have expanded my knowledge pool beyond Supreme’s business model and what affirmative action really means in the US. Guess who now knows about Dick Appointments? (Hint: It’s me.) Was I almost as shocked as he was? Yes. He was shocked as a married man who’s been out of the game for years. I was shocked as a millennial woman who works for a dating app who is not as up to date on my dating terms as I thought (shocker!) After confirming with a friend, I discovered all the Dick Appointment memes and am now fully educated.

To those not in the know, Dick Appointments are kind of like Dentist appointments *insert drilling reference here*. Women, being the champions that they are, have now turned the tables even more on that old adage that casual sex is only for men. They’re now scheduling appointments in their calendar for some ‘Vitamin D’ and telling the guys “boy bye” right after. Exactly the way that men have been doing to women for ages. Yup, in a now more equal playing field, men are openly being used for sex.

“How is this Exhibit B?!”

Yup, I hear you asking that. Well, women are showing they can have the exact same approach to sex that men, as a gender, have been labelled with. They also don’t need anyone to cuddle. They also don’t have time for anyone getting in their feels. Cuffing Season has always been about the comfort of having someone there. Dick Appointments are saying “Forget that! Get in, get out. What are you hanging around for after?!” I say, more power to ’em. Whoop! Are they done telling certain men the D is all they have to offer them? Oh, hell no!

Exhibit C: Female Anthems

This year, female centric anthems of not needing a man have been aplenty. Ariana Grande’s ‘Thank U, Next’ and ‘God is a Woman’, Little Mix’s ‘Joan of Arc’ (and basically the whole album) Dua Lipa’s ‘New Rules’ and ‘IDGAF’, Janelle Monae’s ‘Django Jane’, plus Sabrina Carpenter’s ‘Bad Time’ to name a few. The female popstars of the world have a powerful message. “You don’t need a man, but if you want one? That’s cool”. It’s a sentiment I firmly stand behind and would have needle pointed onto a pillow… if I was the type of person to do such things. As it stands, maybe I’ll make it into a print and frame it… Too much?

It’s a sad fact that society has made it seem like women’s lives aren’t complete without a man by their side. To be single and even to enjoy it for too long is seen as suspicious. Recently on my way back from a trip to Nigeria, the customs officer described himself as a ‘manchelor’ (don’t ask, I didn’t, I just laughed) and then asked if I was a spinster because I was a ‘miss’, not a ‘mrs’. Even the words used to describe single men and single women show a discrepancy. Women (including myself) seem to be over it #thankunext.

Say goodbye to Cuffing Season

Let’s be honest. The idea of cuffing season is geared more towards women. A man can be single for far longer than a woman and receive a whole lot less grief. However, speaking to some of my male friends, they seem just as over it all too! They’re over the mixed messages and the various dates going nowhere. It seems like a lot of dating for the sake of dating. Cuffing Season won’t change that for everyone now, right?

So, it is with this in mind that I’m officially releasing us from the restraints of Cuffing Season. Do I have the power to do this? Probably not, but they don’t call me QJ (Queen Jordan) in the office for nothing, so let’s see if my decree will work 😉 If you want to be involved, no problem. If not? Well, I absolve you from any guilt that may be laid upon you. If any family members or friends asks you about if you’re seeing anyone over the holidays, feel free to share this article link with them. For one, it’ll shut them up (necessary evil) and also shameless promotion for this post with very little additional effort on my part. Win-Win! Till then, Happy Holidays fellow singletons 😉

By Jordan Enaboifo