Curving? Oh no! Not another dating term that we don’t really need! We’re just making more problems for ourselves!
These scenarios have always happened, well especially since text messages and online dating. We’re now putting words to them, so it’s easier to call out the people who use these negative habits.
What is curving?
Curving is when a person does not outright reject you, but “curves” around the rejection. In other words, they are trying to reject you… but saying it through behaviour, rather than words. For example, you ask someone out on a date, they agree, you catch up with them the day before to see if they are still up for the plans and you don’t get a reply…
Until the day of the date, when they respond with “So sorry for the late response, but I’ve been (insert lame excuse here, as if even the busiest people these days don’t check and use their phones at least every other hour), I won’t be able to do today because of (insert over used cancellation excuse) BUT, I’d still really like to see you…” There we have it. They’ve rejected you, but slipped you a tiny slice of hope so you still can’t immediately assume they are rejecting you.
Choose rejection instead
Is rejecting someone out right really a horrible move? Or simply the kindest way to be cruel? Telling someone straight away is far kinder than giving someone hope for something that is never going to happen. The rejection doesn’t have to be horrible. You can say, “I’d still like to get to know you as a friend. I don’t want any hard feelings.” Then the ball is in their court. If they react negatively to that, that’s their problem. If they don’t want to be friends, fair enough. You haven’t been harsh, you’ve been kind, fair and honest.
Rejection is a fact of life. Just give someone that fact! Rejection helps with character growth. Curving is like getting children to compete in a game, but then telling them that everyone is a winner. In fact, all except for one are losers. How will those children learn to deal with everyday losses in life such as being rejected from job interviews or not getting into the university they want, if they are never taught that you can’t always win?
How will someone ever learn what it should be to be with someone who really wants them, if they are never completely rejected and are just always led on a string that is thin and never-ending?
You may be curving because you feel like you are being kinder by doing so. You’re doing this because the person is nice, they don’t deserve to be hurt, right? Of course, no one does, but the fact is it can seem like a manipulative ego boost on your (the ‘curver’s’) part. It may appear you are keeping this person at arm’s length because keeping them there makes you feel more desirable. Think about what it must do to the victim’s confidence! They are spending more time waiting for your messages than actually receiving them. Even if they are making excuses for you (and convincing themselves your excuses aren’t lies) of course deep down they know the truth. At some point they are going to think there must be something wrong with them. Why put them through that?!
If you are the person being curved, it’s time to evaluate the truth. Maybe you think the person’s reasoning is true. After all, they may very well be a big-time lawyer currently involved in a major scandalous case, who has been ordered to have restricted phone access so they don’t compromise the case. If that’s the case(pun intended), then perhaps they are telling the truth. If not, and if they do it more than once, cut it off. Don’t wait by the phone, hoping they reply. Realise the only messages you are going to receive from them, when they eventually do respond, will have no more real meaning than a spam email. Accept that they are not interested and look for someone who will appreciate your attention and give you some in return.
Dodge that curving bullet!